links::funny | Wednesday, Sep 22nd 2004, 12:12:25 PM
This guy is selling a pen on eBay which he got from his ex-wife. Then all the stories just come out it's like he opened up the flood gates! Makes for amusing reading. Just in case it gets taken down (which eBay is prone to do) I included the text in the "Read more."
I received this stupid pen on my birthday years ago from my ex-wife, and even before I divorced her flabby body, I hated the pen. I have no idea why she bought me this piece of crap. Sure, it writes fine and could "seem" kind of cool, but I hate it. The color is ugly, it barely fits in my banana sized hands, and it comes with some weird carrying case. King Kong could barely write with it. Every time I open up my drawer and see this waste of space, I am reminded that I used to be married to that skank who gave me a stupid pen for my birthday. It's not like I collect pens or anything, or even take time to write stuff down. I use a computer to write. OK, call me different, but even if I did like or use pens, this is not the one I would have spent money on. I have no idea how much she paid for it, but I can guarantee you it was my money she used to buy it. She could barely hold down a job, let alone cook for herself. This dismal lazy slug sat on the couch for entertainment and watched old movies all day. I think she held a job for like 38 minutes once. That was because they had lots of paperwork to fill out, and it took her that long before she got bored and left. We were married for about 3 years, before she decided to take more of my money to go buy beer for herself and her new "friend". She made up some lie telling me she was working downtown at this Starbucks store, which I knew was a lie since the customers would have to make the coffee themselves on her shift. So I drove by a bar where I knew she frequented, and saw her dumb face sitting on a stool with her "friend" Brad, some doofus she had introduced me to once a while before. They were sitting at the bar kissing, if you can call it that, and soon afterwards I was kissing off the marriage. She came home later that day and denied the entire thing, and when I told her I had driven by and seen her slobbering all over that hairless chihuahua at the bar, she still tried to deny it. I told her to pack her dog food and get out of my house. If I was in a right state of mind and not thinking about cancelling all our credit cards and getting her off my bank statement, I would have packed this stupid pen with all of her worthless crap when I did the final toss. How to lose 160 pounds of ugly weight quickly? Pack her crap in plastic trash bags and leave them on the curb.
My current wife, who is way more beautiful and way more cool that this pig could ever choose to be, hates the pen too. One of the coolest things about the whole divorce was I knew my attorney, because he was my neighbor's brother. He was also a big cigar smoker. When it came time to belly-up, I paid him with a cheap cigar humedor that I bought at a trade show for almost nothing. Forget those Divorce-in-a-Box deals, this was way cheaper.
So, please buy this pen. I just want rid of it, and any memories of red-headed elephants lying in my bed to just go away. I will even ship it for free, just to make sure it leaves my house and the state I live in forever. I have started the price out as low as eBay will allow me, so if it sells for that, I will be happy. Just don't use it as a weapon. Hey, why didn't I.....never mind. Jail time would not have been good for my frail body. I don't date males. Especially those I meet in the shower. Happy bidding!
I apologize for listing this in "fine writing instruments". If they had a category for "stuff given to you by ex-spouse that you could never ever possibly want in your house ever", I would have put it there. My apologies.
On Sep-08-04 at 12:51:28 PDT, seller added the following information:
Did I mention the time she burned down my microwave? She talked about going to Cooking School a few times, so being the nice hisband, I encouraged her to start cooking in the house. Her "flare" was mediocre at best, and choking down some of the meals was intolerable. One day I came home after an exhausting afternoon of travel and heavy traffic, to find a black cloud of smoke emitting from the kitchen. She, of course, was sitting in the living room watching the Eating Channel, not realizing the smoke filling the apartment. I went into the kitchen to find flames shooting inside the microwave. She was cooking a potato, and it was burning inside. I opened the door, and the plastic on the roof of the oven was on fire. I threw the potato out the window and put out the inferno. When I got the fork lift to bring her in and see what was happening, she told me she had tried to bake this potato and wanted it fully cooked, so she put it in for 16 minutes. Idiot. The charred remains of my microwave were put to rest in the alley, and another 200 bucks was shot. Needless to say, cooking school was history. I hate this pen.
On Sep-09-04 at 18:53:11 PDT, seller added the following information:
I have to tell you one more thing about the Ex. She was a tad younger than me, so she was still hanging out with her high school friends when we met. No, she wasn't still in High School, she just acted that way. So she had this friend, who I will call "Laura", because that was her name, who was very odd. This was her best friend in the whole world. Brainless as well, I might add. She wore dark makeup and black clothes always, and could have been Marilyn Manson for all I know. She had a boyfriend that was a complete psycho, who loved to have bonfires in his back yard, about 3 1/2 inches from his house, and got drunk and threw explosive spray cans into the fire to hear them blow up. Another Yale graduate. He was great with cars and engines though, so he was destined to go somewhere in life, like Jiffy Lube. He had fixed up an old truck for Laura and thought it would be cool to decorate it, shall I say, differently. So what does the braniac do? He stuffs her deceased cat's head, inserts some glass eyeballs in it, puts a bolt in the neck part, and mounts it to the gear shift in the truck. I kid you not. This was my ex's best friend. I should have stabbed that dead cat's head with this pen. What was I thinking? Walk away, slowly............ This pen brings up so many great memories. Bid bid bid, please.
On Sep-10-04 at 06:58:33 PDT, seller added the following information:
Other items of note: 1. She sold her Volvo to her boss, and regardless of my warnings, she left the license plates on. $700+ later, I was in court trying to keep MY license from being suspended. 2. After the split, she declared bankruptcy, but failed to remove my name from credit cards she had opened. I love dealing with credit agencies. 3. Bought me this fabulous pen. 4. Lost contact with 2 of her best friends, who now are very close friends of mine. 5. Bought herself "implants" of the chest variety AFTER we split. Could not have done this while we were together. One bonus item denied. 6. Gave me the carrying case for this gorgeous pen. 7. Gained immesurable weight and was spotted by a reporter at an Old Country Buffet "after hours". Front window had been eaten away.